My, my….how confusing relationships can be.
The last two nights C and I have had some pretty deep conversations with each other. It's so clear just how much we both love and adore each other, and here we are.
I have to admit, writing how much he loves me is incredibly tough. I have such a high level of insecurity that despite him telling me not only a few hours ago just how much he is in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, I still think “yeah but what if”. Honestly, what does the boy have to do to prove it to me? No wonder he gets frustrated.
He is genuinely in a bad way. Not just with our relationship, but also his work, his health, his fitness etc. Everything has just come crashing down around him, and it had been building for quite a while. The stress just kept adding and adding, and so he kept trying to keep things at bay by drinking the care away. It looks like he has realised that's not the way to do it, and is now tackling the issues head on. Unfortunately for him, that means desk duties for 6 months, but it allows for him to address the issue of his dual knee injuries, and also less stress from being on active duty.
So the status of our relationship in Facebook terms would be somewhere between “In a relationship” and “It's complicated”. More towards the relationship side of things I guess.
We find ourselves in a position where we have wound things right back to the very beginning. Everything has been slowed right down.
I have secured a house to move into and will be moving there next Tuesday. Best news of all is that my dog is coming with me. It's a gorgeous house, and my new housemate seems lovely. She is 31 years old, has two children that will live with us some of the time (other times with their dad), and has a good job. The house is organised and tidy, my bedroom large with air conditioning, a fan and a TV point, but I also have my own fully furnished living room complete with TV there. I will be sharing the bathroom with the children, but given that I'm not a large girly girl spending hours in the bathroom, I don't perceive this to be an issue.
I move in next Tuesday night, C will be helping me move.
We will be seeing each other at least once a week, but taking things very slowly. After the first month we will see how things are progressing, review, and make a judgement call on whether to continue. Same for the second month. There's a chance of relationship counselling in the future but we will make that call when it comes time. In the meantime, we will both work on our individual issues so that we can find ourselves both in a much strong place.
For me this means:
- Increase my confidence
- Get rid of my insecurities
- Work on smaller skills I have forgotten – memory, concentration, listening
- Lose weight, tone up, get some appreciation for my physical appearance (yes this includes shopping and buying clothes that make me feel good)
- Finally get my budget working
Having my own space is vital to this. It means I have my independence back, and my own personal space. When I was really struggling with stress a few months ago (one doctor diagnosed me with depression but my regular doctor didn't think so thankfully) I found I really wasn't getting my alone time (not easy in a house of 5 people). I need to get that back, enjoy the time to myself, and start doing the things that I enjoy again.
I need to get happy.
The last few days have been really tough, but I am getting through it. We are restarting the relationship, but the journey continues on. I mustn't forget what I have been through, but I need to learn from it if I have any hope of a future with C.
Most importantly, it's not only me going through this. C is battling his own personal demons, and I wish him all the best in defeating them.
Onwards and upwards right?