An update of recent events in my life

Next month I'm riding in a 100km bike ride in Melbourne, and this week my lycra jersey arrived! It's the first time I've ever owned a lycra top (I bought my first lycra pants last month when I bought my bike), and I have to say it doesn't feel as bad on as I had … Read more

Perceptive readers and a jam packed weekend

It would appear there is no better way than to find out who is still reading your blog than to throw in a mention of someone in particular (that hasn't featured on the blog in quite a while) just to see who is paying attention. Admittedly, that wasn't my intention but I'll go along with it.

It turns out that a couple of you picked up that C and I had dinner last week, and that there was the potential for a weekend road trip. Alas we didn't end up going as his grandmother unfortunately passed away in her sleep Thursday evening so he immediately left the coast to be with his family. Originally I had opted it was best to let him have time alone with them to grieve, but after a text from him wishing that I was there, I cancelled my plans last night and for today, and drove down immediately.

For those who don't know who C is, he's my ex boyfriend. We split up in January after 1.5 years together, and had quite the messy break up. There were talks of breaks, non-breaks and eventually stopping all communication (it was my attempt to move on).

Once I really understand what is going on with C and I, you will find out all the details as I write it down and try to figure it out in my head (the typical Kelsbells way). For now, we're just discussing things and seeing where it's all headed. In summary, there is a possibility that we are back together but I don't know 100% yet. There's a lot of complications.

So other than an unexpected drive last night, I've had a pretty good weekend! I carried on with my plans believing I wasn't spending time with C, and headed out on the town with the girls Friday night. Well, the town was the plan but I pretty much lasted only the pre-drinks at B's place before Tanya and I called it a night. She came to my place and hung out for a bit then went home, so I was in bed just after midnight. Her son had a footy game at 8am so she was pleased for the early one. The others kept going, and I did hear of people only getting home after 7am (bow chicka wow wow!!!).

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When do I become ready?

My life recently has been filled with lots of great moments: fun with friends, fun with family, my dog, the ones that matter. I've also got some great moments coming up: I leave for Bali in just under 2 weeks, I booked flights to Malaysia with my sister next year, and also to NZ for … Read more

It’s now all black and white, exactly how I needed

There's one thing about my mother that has always bugged me when I watch her deal with people that have mistreated her, and completely taken advantage of her. She always believes they will change. She always believes it will come good. She always believes that she and that person will get along in the future. Normally that would be a good trait, but not when dealing with someone that should be forgotten about.

Throughout my breakup with C, I have seen a similar trait in myself, and I hate it.

To clarify, I'm not saying C has mistreated me or that I was exploited. I mean that I see in myself this ongoing optimism that we will be reunited at some point. Before we split for good, I believed that things would change. We have been separated for two months now and yet I still had this belief that at some point it would all come good again, despite the fact that I never publicly admitted it and certainly tried my best to not believe it.

It all finally came to head when I realised I was thinking about him 24/7, which is not how someone who has been separated for two months now should be reacting. I should be through all of this, I should be in the rebuild phase (which I had foolishly believed I was).

Over the past 24 hours I decided I needed to completely change everything. C and I had been friends on FB, we had casually chatted via text etc about how everything was going. We had acted like we were totally fine with the break up and that we were friends. I realised I needed to cut that out. Immediately. I needed to completely detach myself from him, and any memory of him. I felt I needed to completely forget his existence for a while.

So I de-friended him.

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So it brought me to Nickleback, I shall hang my head in shame

Regular readers to my blog would know that I split with my ex, C, about a month ago. We had been having problems and arguing for quite a while, to the point that I moved out. We were going to try doing the whole “space” thing, it failed, we ended it for good.

Since then I've done the whole rebuilding thing. I live in a house with an amazing housemate, her kids (they're only there 4 days out of 7), and our two dogs. I have a place where I can come home to pure silence, where I can de-stress and recuperate before the stresses of the following day. It's fair to say I couldn't be any more thrilled with where I live.

I've been through the mourning period of my breakup. I've been through the phase of uncontrollable tears and the “I don't care if I get hit by a bus” moments. I'm at a point now where my life is happy, I enjoy time with my friends and I'm focused on myself and the things that I want to achieve. I'm in a good place.

Yet I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so very much.

It's not that I want someone to hug me, or kiss me, or be intimate with. I don't need someone to just be there, I'm happy and quite content being alone. I've had quite clear signs from someone else that they would like to hook up, and reminders “we should catch up”. I know I would just have to say when and I would have another another friends with benefits. But that's not what I want. That's not what I miss.

I quite literally miss him.

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