Halfway through the challenge already!? That seems crazy fast.
This week was….a rollercoaster. After a couple of weeks of being unwell, I was happy to see that my bowel movements returned to a feeling of normality.
But did I get workouts in?
Not really…kinda. There were a few days I walked my son to school, and I think I did the treadmill once, but as you can see it wasn’t a great effort. I’ll admit I fell back into the patterns of wake up, have breakfast, take my son to school, start work, promise I’ll work out at lunchtime, not work out at lunchtime, eat at my desk, maybe take a break from the computer somewhere around 2pm, finish work at 5..’ish….and then whatever at night.
It wasn’t great.
I remember hearing someone say you shouldn’t phrase it in a way of “I should have done something”, but rather phrase it to be “I could”. It instantly changes from being a negative phrase, to presenting you with opportunities.
For example, instead of “I should have worked out in the morning” change it to “I could work out in the mornings.”
Bit more uplifting, right?
Food-wise, I had a better week. I got back into the kitchen and made a lot more meals again this week. There were some times that I had some meals that weren’t on the plan, but I didn’t go crazy overboard.
So with all that said, let’s take a look at how the week went.
What went well
Getting in the kitchen
I have to take some time this week to acknowledge my battle with food, and take a moment to pat myself on the back. I forget that I’m facing some serious demons here. It’s easy to ignore that only a few years ago the idea of cooking was terrifying. My eating disorder was at its worst, the kitchen cupboards overwhelmed me, and I made a lot of poor decisions.
This week I was given a cruel reminder of how I used to feel.
I had challenged myself by casually offering to cook dinner for my husband and I. He’s the chef of the house, I am not. He’s incredibly talented in the kitchen, and people that know him will testify that he intimidating to cook for. And that’s from people that aren’t afraid to cook. He doesn’t mean to be so scary, and he’s truly honoured when people cook for him, but for me, when I’m the only one that has to eat it, it becomes a lot less scary about whether the dish fails or not.
I wish I had thought about the timing of my offer more. I wish I had offered on a night when I was making a meal I’d already cooked. Something I felt confident about. But instead, I offered on a night where I was cooking something that looked incredibly bland, and that I wasn’t excited about. Something completely new.
What was I thinking??
I could feel my anxiety start climbing…fast. When I was preparing to serve it up, I looked at what I had made. It was uninspiring. It looked bored, and as bland as I thought it might be. I was dreading handing it over.
Enter my husband.
He ever so innocently offered some advice, and bam.
Panic attack.
My chest tightened up, my heart started racing, my fight or flight mode kicked in and I had to walk out of the room. I paced a bit, I didn’t know where to stand. I told him to throw it out, that he didn’t have to eat it. He ignored me and served himself up a bowl, and from what I know, just added a few things to make it a bit more palatable (soy sauce I think?). I asked him not to talk to me about the meal at all, that I just couldn’t cope with it tonight. He ate dinner in silence while I…did….god knows what. I can’t actually remember. I think maybe I was pacing around the house taking some deep breaths, and reminding myself that it didn’t matter. None of this mattered. It was just a bad dish….it’s fine.
I want to be clear, my husband didn’t say it maliciously, to put me down, to be horrible, anything. Just an innocent comment trying to provide constructive feedback to someone who is learning how to cook. My anxiety, and my issues with disordered eating, they’re all my demons that I have to deal with.
So, why is this in the “what went well” section?
Because, my dear readers, I got right back in that kitchen the next day.
I didn’t give up.
I am so, so proud of myself.
Fun fact – another recipe later that week was also a total bomb, but I blame that one entirely on the recipe too. I later discovered you can see comments from everyone else on the website and everyone was complaining about how the pork chop was cooked and it was a dud recipe. So it’s not a me thing *grin* Victory!!
Anyways, as a reward for getting through that long story here’s a look at some of the things I made this week.
Some highlights of the good stuff:
- Baked sweet potato chips
- “Big Mac” tacos – beef patties on corn tortillas with salad topping and sauce made from pickle juice, mayo, tomato sauce and dijon mustard
- Mexican scrambled eggs
- “Chocolate” pancakes made with buckwheat and cacao
- Yoghurt and berries breakfast
What is not good is my ability to style my food and take nice photos *grin*
The panic-attack-inducing meal was the one in the second row on the left. Bimbimbap I think it’s called? Yeah…the photo looks as good as it tasted. Bad.
The support from family and friends
I want to shout out to all of you reading this.
This week there was a moment where I wasn’t in the mood to cook. And I thought nah…I have to own up to everyone about how my week went, and I don’t want to tell them I didn’t cook something one night just because “I didn’t want to”.
On top of that, the comments on my Facebook Page in response to my last post about the tummy bugs wishing me good health, encouraging me to keep going etc….I appreciate you all so, so much. Thank you.
And to my husband, please know that I recognise your desire to help and be supportive. Please don’t ever stop trying to help me, and please be there when I struggle. Your hugs fix a lot of things. Thank you for weathering the storm of my reactions and anxiety attacks. I know you’re walking on eggshells, and I’m sorry.
What can be improved
Morning Workouts
I can accept that my success rate of doing a workout after 8.30am drops to almost 10%. Maybe.
I’m going to phrase it in my mind of how lucky I am to have the opportunity to get a workout done in the morning. I’m lucky that I have a child who is mostly independent now, and after making him some breakfast I can easily get 30mins in before I shower, eat my own breakfast, take him to school, and start work.
What a blessing to have that time, so I should use it. Especially since I know how much I love having sore muscles and feeling like I’ve worked hard (I’m not kidding – sore muscles are one of my favourite feelings, which makes it even more odd that I don’t strive to have that more often).
Reminding myself this is a journey
Sometimes it’s easy to get impatient, wonder why I don’t feel or see changes fast enough etc.
I have to remind myself again that I’m overcoming so much more than a physical change right now. There is a huge mental war that I’m fighting. This wasn’t just something that happened overnight. Over years and years, I have formed a default pathway in my brain on how I use food to cope with stress, and I’m undoing that. I’m unwinding my fear in the kitchen. I’m learning to be brave and cook for people. I’m learning how to deal with setbacks.
And I’m winning.
Every time I get back in that kitchen, I’m winning.
So I need to remind myself that this isn’t just an 8 week transformation. This is healing scars, and forging new ground.
I’m winning.
What brought me joy
Another craft moment brought me joy this week. I’ve recently gotten into reading fantasy novels, something I never thought I’d do but here we are.
This year I’ve re-read the Fourth Wing series, topped off by the recent release of Onxy Storm (that ending my god!!). I’ve also just started on the Throne of Glass series.
Now, my friends, knowing how um….dedicated (??) I am with tracking stats and details on a spreadsheet, so they encouraged me to create spreadsheets tracking theories and important details from each of these book series. I’m not kidding…they probably have 5 tabs each, quickly approaching 10.
So, for a laugh, I made myself this shirt this week:
It’s fun to have friends that just “get me”.
In addition, I got a text from a friend this week that she has finally finished treatment for breast cancer. It was a long 6 year journey for her, and that text was absolutely bloody incredible. I’m so proud of her for everything she has been through, and that she is still standing….better than she ever did, looking like a true survivor.
Hug your family this week, and look around at all your friends. Be grateful for everyone you have in your life. Think of how much joy they bring you.
That’s what brought me joy this week.