For the last few days the family and I have been enjoying some time away in wine country. Also known as Stanthorpe, it’s Queensland’s coldest town. I was worried about how cold it would be while we were there, but as it turned out we missed the massive Arctic winds blowing through the state! When we got home it was still quite cool, and was actually the same temperature as where we’d come from. Except that Stanthorpe was now hitting the negatives! Brr! I kinda wished we’d stayed a day to see it, but I’m also really grateful to be home and warm. [...]
At some point in the future I’m going to want to revisit this moment. I’ll want to remember how I felt so helpless, then regrouped, and soldiered on again.
My journey the last few months
Last year I had made great strides with my weight and dropped 15kg. Since then I’ve hit a plateau that’s gone up and down in about a 3kg diameter. Not so bad…except that I hate being stalled.
The reasons why I’ve still at the same point are:
I have some good news to share today – hooray! And some not-great news, but definitely better-than-it-was news.
Here’s how my week went:
Last week I weighed in at 86.8kg, this week I’m 85.8 – an even 1kg loss for the week. It could have been better, I didn’t have a great week food wise (will get into that soon), but it’s better than it has been.
I’m super happy with that result.
You guys, I was on a 9 DAY (!!!) streak, and then I broke it. I don’t think I binged in the traditional sense, it wasn’t a robotic “shove as much food in my mouth as I can” phase. The problem was I had enough bad food grazed over the course of the day that I decided I just wasn’t comfortable considering it a “successful” day. I didn’t want to reward myself for that behaviour.
So the streak ended.
As of today I’m back facing my second day of being binge-free. This week I’m also trying to cut down on my sugar intake as well. Now that I feel like I’m getting a little bit of a handle on my binging urges I want to focus on my food choices again.
I’ve stopped with Lite n Easy – I got a bit sick of the same stuff and just needed a bit of variety and options again. This has definitely thrown up some challenges; if I’m not prepared with food I’m pretty hopeless at coming up with something on the spur of the moment.
I’m going to try to get more prepared this coming week. I want to try and batch cook on the weekend (unlikely I’ll get time during the week), or worst case prepare my lunch the night before. Dinner wise I’m sticking with some healthy frozen meals still for the moment – it’s just easier when I’m working 10 hour days since I can have it in the office before I come home. That means home time is relax, spend time with the hubby or exercise.
I’m finally back to it after injury and sickness! I managed to hurt my knee and my ankle, but they’re both feeling well enough to get back to it. I walked park run on the weekend with a friend, and last night spent a huge chunk of time on the treadmill.
I’m only going to be running 3 times a week now (recommendation from my physio – my ankle/knee won’t be great at much more), but it will be a mix up of a speed run, a recovery run and a long run.
In between that I’m going to try to get to the pool for some laps once a week, strength training at home and some cycling (not sure when I’ll fit this in but I really want to!). With the mix of sports it feels like I’m starting to train for a triathlon again! Maybe in the future *grin*
I’ve reset my half marathon training plan with the new regime of 3 days a week. I’ve still got 18 weeks until the half, so plenty of time to get some distance back on the clock. Maybe as the weight drops I’ll be able to increase how often I run (since it will be easier on my limbs) but we’ll see.
I’m feeling good! This week I’ve woken early a couple of times to go for a walk on the treadmill and instead opted for a sleep in so that I get at least 6 – 7 hours of sleep. That’s really helped.
I think I’ll only dedicate one or two days a week to getting up early instead of 3.30am every morning for a run. It will be on the two days during the working week that I have runs scheduled; the long run will always be on a weekend because it will take me longer to do.
I’ve had some busy deadlines at work but I’ve coped well, and I’ve been making an effort to spend some more time with the husband (it’s a shame we both got sick this past fortnight – him with bronchitis, and me with a cold).
Feeling strong, feeling healthy and feeling happy. It’s been a great week!
It’s time for some accountability. Every Wednesday I’m going to try to do a quick blog post with an update on the increase or decrease of weight, and most importantly, how the binge eating is going. It’s a “weigh in” in the sense of weighing in on how things are going; not so much the weight being the most important thing (it’s not). And hey, alliteration is cool right?
As I confessed recently on my Facebook page I recently relapsed with my binge eating. It was creeping on me since before Christmas, and after another reality check this year I was back to old ways.
The reset button was pressed. Again and again.
But right now I’m on day 5 of not binge eating. Things are tracking well, and I’m actually feeling positive this time. Like I *want* to change, not that I *have* to change. By making myself accountable and honest to you all will help keep things going.
So; update shots:
My streaks app to keep track of how many days I can go without binge eating
The weight…with no censoring. Eek.
Nothing is more obvious of my struggles than the weight chart, but peaks and troughs right?
It’s not about the final destination but the journey, and all those other cliches. Long story short I’m still finding my way around my triggers and maintaining good health.
Here’s to a loss next week.
As I write this post I’m sipping on wine, and reminding myself why I’m posting these photos. I’m almost chanting it to myself.
It’s all part of the journey. You’re just writing about the journey. It’s all part of the journey.
Thing is, it’s bloody hard to post this. I’m not proud of the before photo, or the after photo. I’m not where I want to be. But I’m proud of the difference.
Finding my photos
I was going through photos the other night, trying to put together a photo album of my son’s first 12 months on earth when I stumbled upon my before photos. I had taken them and promptly forgotten about them.
I was disgusted.
Yes, I was overweight, but there was more than that. It was knowing why I was overweight. In that photo I saw a secret binge eater, someone who lacked discipline. It was someone extremely unhealthy and certainly wasn’t prioritising her health.
A recap of the last year
It’s been a big year..
I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, something that threw me for quite a loop mentally. Once it had sunk in, suddenly my health became a lot easier to deal with. I began to learn my triggers and my weaknesses. I could identify when I felt a binge episode coming on. Since I was diagnosed, there’s only one time I can think of that I binged, and even then it was a much lower scale than I used to in the past.
To this day I still message friends when I am struggling. Their support is invaluable. When I go grocery shopping I tell my husband everything I bought, not because he wants to cares, but because I want to be accountable.
The other day I had insatiable cravings for chocolate. I knew that if I went into the grocery store I would relapse. I would adopt the all-too familiar zombie state, and before I knew it would be in the confectionary aisle loading up. So I avoided the store altogether.
I’ve been using Lite n Easy to lose weight. I’ve removed the decision making for myself from food. It’s not a long term solution but it’s the solution for me right now.
It’s all working.
2017 vs 2018
I just had another sip of wine (or three). I need a refill.
The biggest changes are visible on the side view. My bubble bum has decreased, as has my stomach. I’ve also lost a lot in the chest area, which to me isn’t such a bad thing since I enjoy running and a smaller chest makes it a lot more comfortable to run.
On the front I’m starting to get a bit of stomach definition back. I still have a pouch to get rid of, but it doesn’t overhang my underwear anymore. I still remember messaging a friend excitedly the day I could see my c-section scar in the mirror without sucking in my gut.
I tried to wear the same underwear but I think I chose a different pair; the shape is a little misleading on the rear shot I think. The shape around my butt has changed. I took these photos this morning and it was still a little dark, hence the shadow from the lights. It’s made it harder to tell but my midsection has changed, and my rolls are smaller. I call them my back boobs. I’ll be glad when they’re gone.
What’s the plan for 2019?
Maybe I should commit to another photo, I’m not sure yet. But the goal is to hit my goal weight, and right now that’s looking like it should happen around March.
Here’s a crazy fact. There’s 15kg difference in those images and I still have 15kg to goal weight. I’m only half way. Imagine when I get there, and the changes between 2017 and 2019?
I can’t wait.
Because in 2019 that will be a girl that is healthy. That has been disciplined. That has done the hard yards and kept the eating disorder demon at bay. That is a healthy weight, fit, and setting a good example for her child.
I’m already becoming that person. I will stay that person.
I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to feel proud of myself again.