I’m alive…I promise!

Oh, hi world! I’m alive, I promise!

I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since my last post – that feels like forever!! I’ve got two posts half written at the moment, that I’ll get around to finishing…eventually.

I’ve had such a crazy busy few months, it’s been sheer mayhem. I’ll do a quick summary:

  • I completed my first half marathon (video recap coming…one day)
  • I swore off running after that
  • It lasted only a couple of weeks
  • I restarted running to participate in another event for my run club, and over the space of 10 days walked/ran just over 190km.
  • I also managed to injure my knee in the process
  • I then swore off running again for a bit to recover
  • I’m already picking out my next training program and events
  • Luca turned two!!!
  • We had a party for him, which I then realised I had invited nearly 90 people
  • I swore off birthday parties for Luca ever again
  • I don’t know how many actually came but we had a great time and it was so wonderful to see everyone (he is so loved and we are grateful!!)
  • I then wondered what we’d be doing for his birthday party next year (will I ever learn)
  • I managed 30 something…..(35 maybe?) days without binge eating
  • I relapsed from sheer fatigue and overdoing things
  • I’m struggling to get my mindset back into the game again….that ol’ battle
  • I’m also getting over another cold…urgh

They’re the big ticket items from the last few months anyway. It’s been quite an exciting time for sure.

My free time at night is limited, so I’m not making excuses but it’s just been hard to put my blog above everything else.  [...]  read more

Changing it up again (no Weigh in Wednesdays anymore)

I bet you’re probably getting sick of my weight loss journey and mental health posts. Or maybe not. Maybe you enjoy someone sharing the raw truth about just how bloody hard this is. Maybe you enjoy getting a peek into someone’s struggles and triumphs, and the rollercoaster ride that is. Or maybe you just enjoy reading about someone’s life and comparing it to your own. Whatever it is, you’re here reading.

Here’s another step in my journey for you to read.

A few weeks ago I started posting about my weight and mental health status on Wednesdays. I called it “Weigh in Wednesday”, the most non-unique name on the planet.

I’m not doing that anymore.

Why I started Weigh in Wednesday

My theory was that it would help to keep me accountable and focused on the end-goal. I thought by being public and posting on a routine basis that it would help me to shrug off the relapse into binge eating. If I had to tell people about it maybe I wouldn’t want to do it.

In actual fact it had the complete opposite effect.

I found that I was starting to get highly stressed. The pressure of having a loss on the scale was freaking me out. I lost weight three weeks in a row, which was great. Then my period came, I craved sugar and I had a blow out or two. The scales were even. I started drafting a blog post in my head trying to justify the reasons why I hadn’t lost weight. I started to critique my every action, even though logically it’s totally normal and natural for women to weigh heavier around that time of the month. While I could stand back and use my logic, the pressure just never ceased, and from there my desire to binge just increased.

To be successful I needed to change something. So I have cancelled Weigh in Wednesdays.

Revised plan of attack

For the last few days I’ve sat back, evaluated and reviewed, eaten way too many Easter eggs, and made myself sick from chocolate.

Then I finally came up with a plan. Here it is:

  • No progress checks – for now I’m going to keep this battle to myself a bit more. I’m still going to openly talk about the ups and downs, but I don’t need to post my progress frequently and pressure myself.
  • Get organised – I’ve drawn myself up a new weekly calendar. I have my run schedule in it, house cleaning routine, and most importantly, nominated a couple of nights a week where I go to bed early. Every second Sunday I will batch cook dinner and lunches and putting them in the freezer. The less I have to visit a grocery store the less chance I have of buying chocolate on a whim. If I have a schedule on the wall then I’ll stick to it.
  • Simple goals – I need to break down my goals to make them achievable. Keep It Simple Stupid and all that. My binge eating centres around chocolate (hence why the lead up to Easter helped with the spiral out of control – there was chocolate everywhere). So instead of pressuring myself on what I can and can’t eat and when, I’m now limiting it to one blanket rule. No chocolate.
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    2017 vs 2018 – 15kg down: a photo comparison

    As I write this post I’m sipping on wine, and reminding myself why I’m posting these photos. I’m almost chanting it to myself.

    It’s all part of the journey. You’re just writing about the journey. It’s all part of the journey.

    Thing is, it’s bloody hard to post this. I’m not proud of the before photo, or the after photo. I’m not where I want to be. But I’m proud of the difference.

    Finding my photos

    I was going through photos the other night, trying to put together a photo album of my son’s first 12 months on earth when I stumbled upon my before photos. I had taken them and promptly forgotten about them.

    I was disgusted.

    Yes, I was overweight, but there was more than that. It was knowing why I was overweight. In that photo I saw a secret binge eater, someone who lacked discipline. It was someone extremely unhealthy and certainly wasn’t prioritising her health.

    A recap of the last year

    It’s been a big year..

    I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, something that threw me for quite a loop mentally. Once it had sunk in, suddenly my health became a lot easier to deal with. I began to learn my triggers and my weaknesses. I could identify when I felt a binge episode coming on. Since I was diagnosed, there’s only one time I can think of that I binged, and even then it was a much lower scale than I used to in the past.

    To this day I still message friends when I am struggling. Their support is invaluable. When I go grocery shopping I tell my husband everything I bought, not because he wants to cares, but because I want to be accountable.

    The other day I had insatiable cravings for chocolate. I knew that if I went into the grocery store I would relapse. I would adopt the all-too familiar zombie state, and before I knew it would be in the confectionary aisle loading up. So I avoided the store altogether.

    I’ve been using Lite n Easy to lose weight. I’ve removed the decision making for myself from food. It’s not a long term solution but it’s the solution for me right now.

    It’s all working.

    2017 vs 2018

    I just had another sip of wine (or three). I need a refill.

    The biggest changes are visible on the side view. My bubble bum has decreased, as has my stomach. I’ve also lost a lot in the chest area, which to me isn’t such a bad thing since I enjoy running and a smaller chest makes it a lot more comfortable to run.

    On the front I’m starting to get a bit of stomach definition back. I still have a pouch to get rid of, but it doesn’t overhang my underwear anymore. I still remember messaging a friend excitedly the day I could see my c-section scar in the mirror without sucking in my gut.

    I tried to wear the same underwear but I think I chose a different pair; the shape is a little misleading on the rear shot I think. The shape around my butt has changed. I took these photos this morning and it was still a little dark, hence the shadow from the lights. It’s made it harder to tell but my midsection has changed, and my rolls are smaller. I call them my back boobs. I’ll be glad when they’re gone.

    What’s the plan for 2019?

    Maybe I should commit to another photo, I’m not sure yet. But the goal is to hit my goal weight, and right now that’s looking like it should happen around March.

    Here’s a crazy fact. There’s 15kg difference in those images and I still have 15kg to goal weight. I’m only half way. Imagine when I get there, and the changes between 2017 and 2019?

    I can’t wait.

    Because in 2019 that will be a girl that is healthy. That has been disciplined. That has done the hard yards and kept the eating disorder demon at bay. That is a healthy weight, fit, and setting a good example for her child.

    I’m already becoming that person. I will stay that person.

    I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to feel proud of myself again.

    Diagnosis: eating disorder

    Hi, my name is Kelly and I have an Eating Disorder.

    The big E.D.

    See, here’s the thing. When I hit rock bottom a fortnight ago, I thought it was just a self image thing. A simple “I’m overweight and I need to fix it” kind of thing. And that’s still true, nothing has changed there. What I didn’t expect was to have to get smacked over the head with a truth bomb, eat a huge piece of humble pie, and confess some huge secrets that not even I had really clicked that I was hiding. Or at least, had buried so deep inside I couldn’t see them.

    It’s been a fortnight now since my post, and like I promised, I’m sharing with everyone my path forward from here. So let’s get stuck into it, tackling first with the burning topic of my eating disorder.

    I have “Binge Eating Disorder”

    Also known as BD.

    No, it’s not that I just eat too much, let’s get that out of the way right now. There’s so much more to it than that, and it would be unfair to describe it as such.

    From the National Eating Disorder Collaboration site:
    Binge eating disorder is characterised by:

  • Frequent episodes of binge eating involving the consumption of a large amount of food in a short period of time. Binge episodes will be accompanied by a loss of control over eating and the inability to stop the binge
  • A range of identifiable eating habits, including eating very quickly, eating without being hungry and continuing to eat to discomfort when already full
  • Feelings of guilt and shame about the amount of food consumed during a binge episode and the way it has been eaten. Binge eating often occurs at times of stress, anger, boredom or distress, and at these times may be a means of coping with challenging emotions
  • Secretive behaviours around food. Because of their feelings around food, people with binge eating disorder are often very secretive about their eating habits and choose to eat alone
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    The Pregnancy Diary: 37 week recap (aches, pains and tears)

    Hoo boy, here I was at 33 weeks tracking along thinking everything was fine and dandy. Then I hit 37 weeks and found myself surrounded by one dark grey cloud.

    It’s time for the 37 week recap, and things are going to get emotional.

    Aches and pains

    I’m officially really uncomfortable. I had been, in my mind, still decently active up until this point. I was still able to go for walks with Ness, although we had dropped it back to 2 days a week. Admittedly, some of those days I’ve had to pike out as well due to heart burn, lack of sleep etc. I wasn’t perfect, but at least I could still move (albeit slower).

    Then one day I got hit with what is now my favourite term in the world, lightning crotch. How horrible does that sound, right? I was out for a walk and bam, shooting pains in my lower regions. Apparently it’s caused by the baby moving down lower and his head hitting my cervix (or surrounding nerves). It’s totally natural so nothing to be concerned about, but it’s just so uncomfortable! I’ve given up trying to walk for exercise now since trying to walk at pace is just not something I can do. We walked 15mins  each way to the post office last night and the way home was horrible. At least I know that walking is a technique I should use when I go into labour!

    My back is aching more now if I stand up for long periods of time as well. I know it’s partially from my belly and partially from my weight. Sunday I was so fatigued I spent a ton of time on the couch resting.

    Instead of walking I’m trying to get back into my yoga, although based on my experience today there is nothing relaxing about what I’m doing.  Hopefully that will help me to tackle the back issues, and the odd cramp that I still get in my legs/butt etc.

    The heart burn is still there, although it just seems to strike at night (or if I’ve been bending over). Provided I sleep on an incline I manage to get a half decent sleep. On the worst nights I’m having to sleep with three pillows stacked, on the good nights only two. I’m coping though, and I’m used to it now.

    Week 37 is officially the week I slowed down.

    Tears

    Today I visited the chiro for the first time in a few months, and it triggered a huge emotional reaction in me. We’re talking tears in his office, and another good cry when I got back to my car.

    Thing is, I’ve put on a ton of weight this pregnancy. I would have already gained around the 30 – 35kg mark, if not higher. I’ve gone from a size 10 in pants to a size 18. I’ve never, ever been this heavy.

    So what does this have to do with my chiro?

    I was embarrassed to see him, and the receptionist. I knew my appearance had changed so dramatically, and I was ashamed. Sure, my belly makes sense. But what about my arms, and my butt?

    My body image issues have never been worse. I thought I was doing well by hiding away the clothes that didn’t fit, and that certainly helped. Yet seeing myself in the mirror each day is getting harder and harder.

    Admittedly, covering up the mirror crossed my mind at one point. So did hiding away at home and reducing social visits. I feel like I have to explain myself when I see everyone. Part of it is the change in taste buds from the baby, part of it is emotional eating again now the bigger I get.

    Disclaimer – I know there are people larger than me. I applaud their confidence in their body. I’m sorry for those who may be struggling from confidence issues as well. I am not comparing myself to them. This is my journey and my body. This is my own personal issue to tackle.

    Step 1 is admitting I have an issue, which I have done.

    Step 2 is to formulate a plan for dealing with it.  I’m so close to delivering the baby, and that alone is making a huge difference for me. I’m praying that once I give birth to him that my taste buds return to normal. Then I can start to eat salad and vegetables, red meat, and all the things that are good for me. I tried salad the other night but forgot to ask for it without dressing (we were out for dinner). It came with balsamic vinegar; I tried it, but the taste was so overpowering I couldn’t stomach it.

    So my plan? Stay tuned, that’s a blog post in itself.

    All I can say is that right now I’m embarrassed by how I look, and week 37 is kicking my teary, emotional ass.

    Never fear though, nothing changes about my excitement about the little man in my tummy though. I cannot wait to meet him!

    How did you feel when you were nearing the end of your pregnancy? Did you get struggle emotionally? How did you deal with being uncomfortable?