The vegemite furore: why my husband just lost his food cred

Vegemite is an Australian cultural icon. Made from brewer’s yeast, spice and vegetable additives, it’s a disgusting blend that you either love or hate. It’s a rite of passage for foreigners to give it a go when they arrive on Australian shores. Aussies abroad crave it.

It’s irreplaceable. Nothing compares (not even marmite you cretins).

I have so many fond memories as a kid eating it. Does anyone remember the happy little vegemites ad? Let me refresh your memory.

One time I remember I was so sick, throwing up everywhere. Mum let me stay up late and eat vegemite on toast with her, I thought it was the ultimate reward.

Thing is, it’s very personal in how you prepare it on toast. You’ll find people in all corners, arguing their way is the best, and it’s typically out of the two following scenarios:

• More butter less vegemite, vs:
• Less butter more vegemite

There’s an art on when you apply the vegemite as well. For me, this is the ultimate way to prepare it:

– Prepare toast so slightly browned, still a fluffy feeling
– Apply a generous amount of butter immediately to hot toast so that butter melts into the bread
– Apply vegemite to melted butter, medium scrape so that it’s not too light, not too heavy. Go Goldilocks style on that bugger!
– Consume and enjoy a food-induced orgasm

Here’s the thing though. I thought I had seen it all. There’s only so many ways you can alter the combination of butter and vegemite. I didn’t think I could be surprised.

Until last week.

My husband applied the vegemite first, and then the butter.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

No! Just…..just no! I can’t even begin to explain how wrong that is!

My husband, Mario, is normally quite the food connoisseur and I trust his judgement. He is constantly being told he should either open his own cafe/restaurant, or enter onto the various cooking shows on telly. Now, with this performance, I’m not so sure. The fact that he could get it so wrong blew my mind.

Never again will I trust him with Australian royalty of food. Never will he prepare my vegemite, even if I’m up all night vomiting and he’s offering me to stay up and eat vegemite on toast. Next he’ll be trying to eat Tim Tams with….with….I’m not even sure there’s a wrong way to eat Tim Tams, but I bet he’ll find a way!

Oh goodness, I just realised I didn’t check his coverage of vegemite on the toast. What if he’s only putting it in the centre and not spreading it corner-to-corner.

OH THE HUMANITY!

How do you have your vegemite? Have you ever seen anyone prepare food in a way that blew your mind?