Writing has become scary

Oh um, hi there! I’m challenging myself to write something tonight because every time I have tried to write a post lately I’ve just freaked a bit. I always worry that I’m complaining too much, that no one will want to read this blah blah blah.

Tonight I reminded myself my original purpose for writing my blog was to document my journey, my memories, and all the raw stuff that comes in between.

So here I am.

This past weekend we went for an overnighter at a local campsite, and it was exactly what we needed. Work has been super stressful for my husband and I, and we just needed to get away. We just got our caravan back after some major repairs to leaking seals ($6k later, but at least we know it’ll be good for a long time….we hope). I’m hanging out to do a long trip in the van, something like a few weeks away, but for now it’s great to know that it’s super easy for us to just pack up and go. We invited our in laws to join us, and we all headed out Saturday afternoon.

I’d love nothing more than to pack up the van and just take off with the family. A few weeks on the road exploring, hanging out, quality time together. We wouldn’t have to think about work, we could go for walks, sleep in, have fun. All the dreaming, yet to find time for when we could do it. I’ll keep dreaming for now.

Other than that, I’ve been continuing to see my therapist. It’s been a few weeks since my last session, but I’m due to see her tomorrow. It’s going well though, and I can see a little bit of progress in some areas.

Next week I’m due to start a 10-week Eating Disorder program. I’m nervous but excited, it’s meant to be quite intensive and can be triggering. I’m actually excited to push my boundaries and comfort levels and see what I can unpack from myself mentally! It’s all done remotely, but from what I’ve been told it can involve art and movement and more – super intriguing.

I’m doing OK with my anxiety. It’s been too easy to slip right back into bad habits – not doing breathing exercises or meditating, but I’m trying. I’m definitely trying to use the diffusion techniques my therapist taught me to rid myself of any negative thoughts I’ve had about myself. That’s been good, I’m slowly not beating myself up about everything.

That’s part of what I struggle with the most. I am so negative towards myself about everything. I constantly feel like I’m failing about something. Each night I have grand plans – I’m going to do this workout, plus write a post, read some of a book, clean the house, spend time with Luca, have time with my husband….the list goes on.

Surprise surprise I cannot do it all. Each night I’m lucky if I do one thing – tonight my choice was to blog. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks, and I ended up cancelling my monthly personal training sessions with my PT. I was getting so much anxiety knowing I’d have to tell her I hadn’t been to the gym since the last time I saw her a month ago. When I pulled out I was honest with her and told her the reasons why, and I want to get back to more sessions eventually. I just couldn’t face the failure.

The goal right now is to try and remove the pressure from myself as much as I can, and slowly rebuild.

This post is killing me already, and I want to go back and edit and re-read this 50 times. So I’m just going to post it, not look back, and move on. I say this confidently but I kinda want to puke.

I’m looking forward to having my mojo back eventually.

Gotta start at the bottom and rebuild to appreciate the top right?