Regular readers to my blog would know that I split with my ex, C, about a month ago. We had been having problems and arguing for quite a while, to the point that I moved out. We were going to try doing the whole “space” thing, it failed, we ended it for good.
Since then I've done the whole rebuilding thing. I live in a house with an amazing housemate, her kids (they're only there 4 days out of 7), and our two dogs. I have a place where I can come home to pure silence, where I can de-stress and recuperate before the stresses of the following day. It's fair to say I couldn't be any more thrilled with where I live.
I've been through the mourning period of my breakup. I've been through the phase of uncontrollable tears and the “I don't care if I get hit by a bus” moments. I'm at a point now where my life is happy, I enjoy time with my friends and I'm focused on myself and the things that I want to achieve. I'm in a good place.
Yet I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so very much.
It's not that I want someone to hug me, or kiss me, or be intimate with. I don't need someone to just be there, I'm happy and quite content being alone. I've had quite clear signs from someone else that they would like to hook up, and reminders “we should catch up”. I know I would just have to say when and I would have another another friends with benefits. But that's not what I want. That's not what I miss.
I quite literally miss him.
We went to the movies last week which I enjoyed, but it was as friends only. It was almost an unspoken agreement, nothing physical happened at all. I enjoyed talking to him and just hanging out. I miss that. I miss spending time together. I would love nothing more than to call him and for us to just take our dogs to the beach. Or go for a walk. Or buy takeaway and watch a movie.
I feel like I almost took for granted all the good parts of the relationship, and that it all very much got overshadowed by the pressure and stress.
I don't know where his head is at, or if he misses me. I don't expect him to tell me. Quite deep down I know that I would love nothing more for us to get back together and take it slow. Do it right this time. I don't know if that's an option, and I am too scared to suggest it to him. Quite simply because I have seen no sign that it would be welcome. That I wouldn't just get rejected straight to my face, and that would just break my heart.
I guess right now I'm almost content to just carry along in the region of the “what if”. If I see a sign then I will rethink this, but right now I will keep plodding along. Life will sort itself out. If he wanted to spend some time together he would text me, surely.
So why the title of this blog? Because today I was listening to a cd I found in the car (was from the collection he gave me since he didn't need them), when Nickleback came on. First I paid him out in my mind for having listened to Nickleback. Then I actually listened the words, and it felt strangely appropriate. Maybe one day we will have the same happy ending.
This time, This place