Well, I’ve hit the big 4-0 and still no baby. It’s clear that bub has my genetics when it comes to his knack for schedules. If he was anything like Mario, he would have arrived on Monday, just to make sure he definitely arrived before his due date. Since he’s like me, he’s probably only just realising that he was meant to be here today, and he’s rushing around trying to get ready. His arrival time is anyone’s guess.
So what’s the plan now?
More waiting. We’re basically giving it another week to see if he arrives of his own accord, and then we’ll figure out what we’re doing then.
I thought it would be worth another check-in though, just to report on how I’m feeling since my last update at 37 weeks.
Maternity leave – am I doing the right thing?
I’ve already written a bit about going on maternity leave, which you can read about here. Between running errands and knocking off some 52s, I haven’t really had a lot of down time.
Last night I was discussing it with Mario, and trying to decide whether I’m going about it all wrong. I wondered if I should be putting my feet up, or sleeping in late, or relaxing in general.
Today I realised that if I relaxed, then I would grow ridiculously impatient. It would feel like I was “waiting”, and that’s not something I’m good at. I need to keep myself occupied, or else I will go insane!
Each day I have a list of things to do, and each day I’m ticking them off. It could be daily chores (vacuuming etc), or bigger, more overlooked things. To start with, I picked the kitchen, and so far I’ve cleaned out the pantry, the microwave and the dishwasher. The fridge is underway, with the top being completely decluttered, and wiped the full external area down. The internals are to come next.
Mental check in
I’ll admit, I thought I was back on a good path travelling well. I’m not afraid of going into labour, which is a good thing. I just have this confidence and faith that no matter what happens, I trust that we (myself, my baby and Mario) will get through it. I know that I will be able to get through the pain (I’m aware it will bloody hurt), but I have an amazing husband to support me, and a great medical team. There’s no fear there.
It’s the fear of what happens after that.
Last night the reality of having a child set in. I read an article earlier in the week that has affected me a lot more than I had realised. It was from a mother of two children writing to her husband (I tried to find the blog post but I can’t, so if that was yours please send me the link so I can add it here). In the post she wrote about missing the quality time she had with her husband. Eating dinner together, just hanging out, the small things.
It made me realise how the last 9 months have passed so quickly. I looked back and felt like I had totally taken all of that time for granted. We’ve been so busy with renovating the house, visiting people, and working, that it feels like I haven’t spent enough time just being with Mario. It’s our first year of being married, and soon it won’t be just us!
I suddenly wished that I could just run away with him and spend two weeks just breathing him in.
Obviously we can’t.
So I cried.
The emotion washed over me, and suddenly everything was getting to me. Mario made himself dinner which included broccoli, and tried to sit next to me on the couch. I still can’t stand the smell, which he realised and quickly went back to the kitchen. That was enough to make me cry because I felt guilty he couldn’t eat his dinner in the same area as me. Then I cried over crying (like I’m doing writing this now – what a sook!).
It just compounded from there. I cried because of all these completely unfounded and irrational fears. The tears spilled out. We sat outside in the cool air and discussed everything that came to mind. I jumped from topic to topic, never solving anything, just getting it all out of my head. I must have sounded like a lunatic. He tried to offer solutions, and I said “no, please just listen”. He shut up and listened. What a wonderful man (albeit a very puzzled one).
When I woke up this morning I felt so much better. I got it out, and now I’m ready to get back on with it. But I still just can’t even comprehend just how much our lives are about to change.
We’ve promised each other to always make time for us. We’re committed to making sure that’s not sacrificed, and I think that’s all I needed to hear.
Hating on sleep
I dread going to sleep at night now. It is such a process, and I’m not exaggerating. Here’s a recap of my nightly routine.
- Think about going to bed, get heart burn
- Pop two rennies, drink some water
- Go to bed, stack three pillows to lean on so I’m upright while I wait for the rennies to do their thing
- Lay on my side because I realise I shouldn’t be laying on my back
- Feel like the baby is going to fall out the side of my stomach
- Grab my special maternity stomach pillow and prop that under my tummy
- Start reading something on my kindle, get tired and nearly drop the kindle because my eyes are closing of their own accord
- Realise that my left hip/rib is sore because laying on the side propped up by three pillows is a bit shit
- Decide it’s time to go to sleep
- Half roll half do a side push up to sit upright (don’t use the abs)
- Move my butt further down the bed so I can lay down without smashing my head on the top of the bed
- Remove one of the pillows from my stack
- Somehow navigate legs under the cover (don’t use my abs), and lay down
- Wiggle like a worm because I misjudged where my bum should go and now my head is too close to the top of the bed
- Stick maternity pillow under my stomach again, and wonder if the baby is getting squashed in there now, and if I could possibly do damage if I jam the pillow in too hard
- Finally close eyes
- Realise I haven’t kissed the husband goodnight
- Decide it’s too much effort to kiss him and try and get into position again. Instead, determine that a pat on whatever body part of his I can reach while saying “good night baby” is passable for a kiss replacement
- Open eyes
- Realise it’s 12.30, I’ve somehow managed to sleep for 2 hours but now I have to pee
- Use legs to roll out of bed without using ab muscles (god forbid I use my ab muscles!!)
- Pee in the ensuite using the torch on the phone so as not to wake the husband (light switch for the ensuite is in the bedroom and not the ensuite itself – turning it on means the door is open and the light bulb Mario put in could signal batman from inside it’s so bright)
- Finish business, flush, wash hands, return to bedroom
- Realise I have to repeat steps 1 – 16 because heart burn just set in again, probably over the anxiety of trying to get in a position for sleep
- Try to sleep on my left side but my hip has decided to cramp up, so despite the experts recommend sleeping on the left, risk sleeping on the right
- After 20mins of shifting around finally find a position comfortable enough to close my eyes
- Realise that despite best efforts and not using the bat signal, I have woken up the husband with my wriggling anyway, and apologise
- Rinse and repeat at 2.30am, 4.30am, and 5.30am where now my legs are both cramping so bad that sleep is just not going to happen any further
- Lay in denial in bed until 6.30am
- Get up and try to get on with it
- Feel like a nap by 9.30 and decide that screw the bed, I’m having a nap on the couch
The worst part is the day seems to fly past so quickly, and then I’m back facing the battle of the bed again.
And people tell me I should be appreciating sleep now before having a child.
I can’t wait until I can lay flat in a bed without wanting to puke or feeling like something is going to errupt from my stomach. Or just cuddle my husband in bed…I really miss that too.