I'm finding it really tough to read about other couples. I know that what C and I had wasn't healthy, but I loved him so deeply. I had thought about the future and planned it with him.
I saw it and I wanted it.
I think that's why now it's so tough. I feel a lot of self loathing. I wonder how I could have changed it, why it wasn't successful. Logically, I know it wasn't all me but that doesn't stop me from feeling the failure. When I first split with him my friend said to me “you haven't failed”, and I wondered what she meant back then. I hadn't felt like a failure. Now I get it, now I feel that sense of failure.
My whole life feels like it has turned upside down. Career wise I'm going well, my responsibilities are increasing and it's driving forward. But is that what i want? I had always dreamed of forensics. Where has that goal gone?
I don't know myself anymore. Who am I? Am I the girl that is constantly bitter, or depressed? The girl constantly criticising others? The girl that can cry at the single mention of a name? That's not who I want to be.
Where do I go from here? How do I get my life back on track? What is my track?
I am so very lost.