Losing control and fighting to regain it

This morning I woke up and ate 7 chocolate biscuits before 6am. I had a cup of tea, and I ate in secrecy because no one else was awake yet. If they were, I wouldn’t have done it. This is a symptom of my eating disorder.

I’ve just gotten back from a weekend away, spending a night with my husband in a hotel while my son stayed with his grandparents. I had built all of these expectations in my head of how magical a weekend away it would be.

The photos I posted on facebook made it seem that way, at least from the outside. My husband and I were smiling, we explored the city on scooters, and all was well.

In reality my anxiety was off the charts.

I’ve been struggling with my body image issues for a while, and as a result there’s a…lack of affection…you could say in the relationship. I don’t feel worthy of being touched. And so when this weekend arrived I had this inner voice saying “you know this is happening tonight, you have to do this”. So when the time arrived, whether it was something I ate at dinner, or my own inner nerves, I felt sick to my stomach. Literally – I was fighting nausea all night. So….nothing happened, and there was no intimacy that night.

The next day my brain continued to talk to me, chanting things like:

  • You ruined the weekend
  • Your husband has been so stressed lately, and now you’ve made him disappointed
  • You’re fat and ugly, he probably didn’t want to touch you anyway
  • He didn’t enjoy the weekend
  • You wasted good money going to a hotel for the night, you should have stayed home

Needless to say my nausea and anxiety continued right through the day.

Seeing my son was the greatest feeling ever – I had missed him so much. As a family we had a wonderful day in the city going to the Science Museum and then a ride on the ferris wheel. This time the photos didn’t lie, I was happy and really enjoyed the day. My inner voice was quiet for a while.

By the time we got home back to where we live, my voice was raging. I binge ate cookies leftover from the weekend.

I became nauseous again.

This morning I woke up determined to be better. Last night my husband batch cooked some lunches for me (the recipe on my request) so that I had a healthy choice for lunch. I was going to have a good breakfast, good lunch and a good dinner. I was going to do my meditation and breathing, take walking breaks from work….make all the right choices.

Then I ate the cookies.

I’m so overwhelmed by life again and my inner critic is raging. All because of the pressure I put on myself about eating and my appearance.

So….I hit stop. If there was a sound effect it would be the record scratching to a stop. Internally I screamed “SHUT UP”.

I posted this on instagram to be transparent and accountable through a swift punch to the guts.

I’ve given myself a black and white checklist for the week:

  • Sign back up for weight watchers (make myself accountable for food and find good healthy recipes)
  • In bed asleep by 9pm
  • Awake by 5am to run or walk on the treadmill
  • 10mins meditation a day
  • Strength exercises before I go to bed

Anything else I achieve around that is a win.

I need to start being kind to myself.

Let me know your thoughts!