There's one thing about my mother that has always bugged me when I watch her deal with people that have mistreated her, and completely taken advantage of her. She always believes they will change. She always believes it will come good. She always believes that she and that person will get along in the future. Normally that would be a good trait, but not when dealing with someone that should be forgotten about.
Throughout my breakup with C, I have seen a similar trait in myself, and I hate it.
To clarify, I'm not saying C has mistreated me or that I was exploited. I mean that I see in myself this ongoing optimism that we will be reunited at some point. Before we split for good, I believed that things would change. We have been separated for two months now and yet I still had this belief that at some point it would all come good again, despite the fact that I never publicly admitted it and certainly tried my best to not believe it.
It all finally came to head when I realised I was thinking about him 24/7, which is not how someone who has been separated for two months now should be reacting. I should be through all of this, I should be in the rebuild phase (which I had foolishly believed I was).
Over the past 24 hours I decided I needed to completely change everything. C and I had been friends on FB, we had casually chatted via text etc about how everything was going. We had acted like we were totally fine with the break up and that we were friends. I realised I needed to cut that out. Immediately. I needed to completely detach myself from him, and any memory of him. I felt I needed to completely forget his existence for a while.
So I de-friended him.
But not without fragmenting that last little bit of heart left, the last bit of optimism. Not without finally, completely, breaking my heart.
I messaged him and came clean. I explained that I was struggling, that I still missed him and wished we were together. I explained I understood that that was not to be, and so to move on I needed to remove him as a friend, that I needed to stop texting him and have no contact. I explained I very much wanted to be friends in the future, that I held no ill-will but that I needed this time to move on and forget about him. I then asked where his head was at with it all, because I needed to know, even if that meant him telling me he didn't care.
And tell me he did.
He explained he has been through all of the unbelievable pain from the break up, to the point that he swore he would never return to what hurt him so much. He explained he needed 12 months to properly care about himself before he could care about anyone else. He quoted my original words from the breakup, that he couldn't given me what I wanted, and that this break up happened for a reason.
I read his words, and I felt that last little bit of my heart snap.
And then I felt better.
I could finally stop wondering, I could finally put out that little bit of burning light of optimism. I could finally focus on forgetting, or thinking it could happen again.
Today I am focusing on loving myself, on treating myself well. I am going to try out some new things that will make me feel happier. I am going to stock my fridge up with the foods that are good for me. This week I will be getting good rest, exercise, and diet.
I have finally reached the bottom, but the building blocks I have already stockpiled ready to start putting back together.
I may have performed the break up recovery steps out of order, but it won't be long until I am truly flying high again.
I am finally ready.