Reading a book saved my ass…and my toddler’s

Right now we are going through 4 year old’s emotional learning journey. The tantrums….holy s**t. It’s like a demon took over my child; he has god-like strength mixed with the emotional control of a lunatic. Not a good mix AT ALL.

It’s intense, man!

After a full blown melt down the other week that left me reeling, I feel like I’ve been able to regain a sense of control. I spent a lot of time thinking and analysing and realised that I was making his emotions about me. Which, for the record, is totally wrong – it’s not about me at all. This is part of his learning and growing as a little human, and instead of beating myself up insisting it meant I was a failure, I needed to be in his corner. I needed to stop neglecting him, and start supporting him.

So I swore that would change.

The little guy has had some pretty bloody big emotions today. When I picked him up from daycare he was already having a moment, ranging from sadness to anger (triggered by a song that wasn’t the one he wanted, but quickly became a situation where everything pissed him off). I sat on the floor with him, and after him running around the room a few times to hide from us all, eventually he was coaxed out by talking about a picture on the wall. He told me it was the coral, and that he wanted to watch something on tv about turtles and whales. I agreed we could watch some videos tonight so we could learn all about it.

Situation resolved. Temporarily.

We had dinner (singing some songs and telling stories) and when it was time to get out of the shower another melt down began. This one he was pulling the shower doors so violently they actually came off the runner and fell into the shower (no one was harmed, and the husband fixed it later). He kicked me, bit me, punched my arms, threw everything in the bathroom as hard as he could. I’m surprised nothing broke to be honest, but everything he threw has now been confiscated, including his favourite monster trucks.

Thank god our neighbours are legends.

At this point he was so worked up I couldn’t tell him a story to distract him, every word I said was met with a screech at the top of his lungs. Completed naked, he had become little satan. It didn’t help when he asked if he could watch the turtles and whales and was met with a firm “no” followed by an explanation he lost that priviledge because of his behaviour. More screaming.

Eventually he ran into his room, where I was able to prevent his bed from being stripped and the mattress torn off the base (yes, this happened in another other melt down so I knew to expect it). Finally he ran, still butt-naked, into the living room to shelter on the couch.

Frustrated, I willed myself to try and tell him a story like the distraction technique my friend had sown me. The problem was that it was a challenge for myself to not get angry too, so I just knew that any attempt at creativity was going to be met with a flat voice and lack of commitment. Out of the corner I saw his bookshelf, so I picked up a book and headed out in to the living room.

We have an L shaped couch, and I found that he was on one side covered in a blanket. Completely ignoring him I sat on the other side of the couch and started to read the book aloud (by pure fluke I had picked up the Mr Happy book, funny in hindsight). As soon as I started to read it was like a switch was flicked in my son’s brain. He lept across the couch, cuddled up to me (still naked) and asked me to keep reading. We read the story for a couple of minutes, then finally I asked him to get dressed.

This is where it became odd, and a bit concerning. Because this post is already a novel I’m going to keep it short(er):

• He told me he couldn’t put his pyjamas on himself because “his brain is stupid and does stupid things” and to demonstrate put his nappy on his head
• I pointed out all the wonderful intelligent and creative things he does that proves he’s not stupid
• He told me his brain said he was sad and would never be happy ever again
• I said when we’re sad we need to look for things that make us feel happy, and began singing the song he taught me at dinner
• He became instantly happy, said the song was making his brain happy and not stupid anymore, and got dressed by himself

I mean, what?! What was that conversation?! I’m really hoping that because they’re doing a lot of work on emotions at daycare at the moment that it’s somehow related to that. He’s been through a fair bit of change lately, with going to a new daycare, and also meeting with a principal for what will hopefully be his new big school (he’s super excited and wants to go there desperately, he points it out whenever we drive past). I’m going to mention it to his daycare teachers tomorrow so they can keep an eye on it for me too.

So, for the rest of the night we then read books together. We talked about all the pictures he saw, stories it triggered in his mind – ultimately what was a shit beginning to the night became wonderful bonding time. He fell asleep happy, albeit still slightly annoyed that I wouldn’t read another book.

I cannot explain how damn proud I am for getting through tonight.

I didn’t lose it completely when I wanted to, and it was sooooo tempting. When you have someone screaming and being violent towards you the self-preservation mode takes in. Instead I was able to remind myself this is when I needed to be there for him, to help him get through this, and you guys, I feel like I did that. I still have a lot of tweaks to be made, I’d prefer to not have to get him in the state he was in, but we’re both learning.

To get my little deep-and-meaningful voice on, my son’s journey is my journey, and together we are becoming much better people for it.

This kid is my biggest challenge of all, and my biggest reward. Such a cliche, but so true. Helping him is healing my own trauma (that I never even realised I had until I became a parent) and that’s something I never ever expected to happen. What a gift he has given me.

And again, a huge bloody high five to myself for getting through it alive.

I’m working on my self affirmations, and tonight I feel like a goddamn rockstar.