Today was a tough day. Really tough. I cried twice.
On paper, it was a good day. We had a play date this morning with several friends and their kids (two good friends of Luca’s), and this afternoon Luca played around the house. But add in a few epic-sized tantrums from Luca and a mother with anxiety blaming herself for everything, and you have a recipe for disaster.
My husband is camping at the moment, away on a boy’s weekend that he so desperately needed. He’s been so highly stressed with work, and really really needed some time away to just unwind. He’s not been sleeping well, his anxiety levels are up…you get the picture. So with the events from this weekend, I’ve tried to hold back from letting him know the extent of what’s going on because I don’t want him to worry. As stressful as it is, I have it under control.
The hubs left on Friday, and Saturday morning Luca and I went to the shops to get a few things, including some special “cotton sand” (a magic sand kit for kids). About 20mins before we had to go to a birthday party Luca threw a huge tantrum. I put him into his room for some time out to cool down and then started cleaning up the sand.
Next second – bam. My back went. I caught myself on the table, yelled in pain, and after a few seconds tried to stand up straight. No go. I could only make it about 3/4 of the way up. I sat down again for a couple of minutes (running late for the party by this point) and messaged my friends we would be a little late. I tried again, and hunched over I was able to move and get around. It was time to go.
I bundled Luca up into the car and off we went. At my friend’s party, they gave me some painkillers and I managed to get through ok. Thankfully I could sit down comfortable and climb down and up off the floor, it was just literally standing straight that hurt. Following the party, I visited the chemist for more painkillers and magnesium. That afternoon back at home I had a visit from my aunt and uncle, and that night was able to cook an easy dinner that didn’t require a lot of standing.
Today I’ve woken up being almost completely upright again but with a rubber band feeling around my hips. It still hurts if I try to push it too far. I’ve still not told my husband about it because I knew he would immediately get in the car and come home, and that’s the last thing I want right now. I’ll tell him when he’s on his way home…maybe. There’s nothing he can do anyway.
So today, mid-morning I had some friends and their sons over for a playdate, and while they were there Luca threw some epic tantrums again. We’re talking throwing things as hard as he can around his bedroom, at the door and walls, down the hallway etc. Normally I would either try and sit down with Luca and ask him what was wrong, or just let him cool down.
This super aggression is completely new, so I haven’t yet been able to work it out. Talking to him just escalates it, leaving him alone means potential damage. With my friends there, and not being in control of the situation, I became incredibly embarrassed. I had no idea what to do.
Feeling helpless, a number of things immediately ran through my head:
- You’re a failure of a mother because your child doesn’t know how to process anger
- You’re a failure of a mother because your child is aggressive and violent
- You’re a failure because you caused it
- You’re a failure of a human because this is how you processed anger as a child and clearly haven’t learned anything, nor taught your child any better
- Your friends are judging you and coming to the conclusion you’re a terrible mother
All of that ran through my mind in a matter of seconds, which basically came out in the form of tears. I looked at my friends, completely helpless and said “I don’t know what to do”.
One of my friends immediately went in to speak to Luca, while the other gave me a hug.
Thank god for mum tribes.
And before you say it, yes I know all of those thoughts were irrational and incorrect. But this is how my story goes. And yes, I’m trying to adopt the techniques my therapist gave me which is to recognise they’re thoughts but to dismiss them immediately and not give them any weight. Or to make fun of them. But at this point I was too overwhelmed and didn’t have a chance of rescuing the situation.
Long story short – the friend that talked to Luca gave me a great tip about how to distract him from a tantrum by telling them a ridiculous story. What happens is they learn that a tantrum won’t get a reaction and they won’t continue to use that as a form of expression. I will definitely be giving that a go (and briefed my husband on the phone tonight, he’s in).
I’ve also taken all of Luca’s toys away (he has the bare minimum left) which he understands was a consequence of throwing them. He’s since apologised, and given me a cuddle. I’ve explained he can have them back when I feel it’s appropriate, and that he has behaved a lot better. Tonight he’s been a good kid, he’s played happily with toys he hasn’t used in forever, he was kind and caring, and we had fun. At this point I don’t know when he’ll get the toys back.
I’ve just put Luca to bed, and as soon as I finish this post I’m going to bed too. I’ve taken my painkillers, and I’m hoping to be almost back to normal in the morning. It would be just my luck that by the time my husband gets home you can’t tell that two days ago I couldn’t stand up.
Interestingly, tonight my aunt sent me a wonderful article she read similar to what we discussed yesterday. About my anxiety, where I think it’s triggered from etc. I took a great point away from it – we’re all messed up because our parents messed us up since they’re messed up from their messed-up parents.
Essentially, it’s inevitable I’m going to mess Luca up in my own special way.
There’s no point stressing myself out like I did today. I just have to learn to deal with the situations the best I can and not let these horrific self-deprecating thoughts in. I need to build my self-confidence back up, and recognise that not being in control does not mean I’m not a failure. This is all just a learning exercise for both Luca and myself.
Most importantly I have to keep reminding myself that to be the best mother I can be, and the best person I can be, I just have to keep trying.
But damn some days are tough.
Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow. And here’s to the mum tribes – I bloody love my support network. Thank you for getting me through another day.