The heading is dramatic, but it’s true. This week I have brought myself to the point of yelling audibly in pain, then taking a deep breath, and doing it all over again. I wore marks of my abuse on my body, red marks on my legs and arms.
And I friggin loved it.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet my new toy.
With a name like Remington you’d be forgiven to think of adult stars of pleasure, before you thought of the ultimate pain device.
But, my friends, this tool would be more appropriate to call Satan.
It is an epilator. A torture device, filled with multiple tweezers designed to rip the hair from your body in a fast cycling, cruel, vicious revolution.
And for what?
Or in my case, the ability to be a lazy ass.
Trying the Epilator
Early Sunday afternoon I had invented a sick party game with my friends where I tried it on their arm hair.
They didn’t enjoy my party game.
Sunday night I finally plucked up the courage (ha, plucked) and gave it a proper go. I had exfoliated my legs earlier in the day, so in my mind, I was ready. I sat on the bed (covered with a towel for stray hairs that’ll go flying) and started. 90 degree angle to the leg and go go go OWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
It hurt so bad as the hairs were getting ripped.
“Keep going” they said. “It’ll hurt less the more you use it”.
To distract myself I turned on the TV, and then even more distracted I started watching youtube videos of people with tips on how to epilate.
Tip 1: do it straight after a hot shower when your pores are open so it hurts less.– Someone on the internet
Well, bloody big fail from me right there. My legs were as stone cold as they could be.
I persisted, and found that either the pain was so great I’d reached the point where I was now numb to the pain, or…..nope, that was it. Either way it started to feel almost comfortable. Weird right?
I started to enjoy the odd bits of pain, because in my mind it was like a victory.
“TAKE THAT YOU NASTY LEG HAIR! BE GONE!”
My legs looked like someone had puked up red dots everywhere. They were NOT attractive.
Tip 2: Do it late at night when you don’t have to go anywhere to allow time for the redness to go away.– Someone on the internet
The redness had visibly reduced within an hour, and was gone by the next morning. In its place was left just hair-free legs. FREAKING AWESOME.
And now I get to enjoy that feeling for about 2 – 3 weeks. I’ll let you know how long. And because it’s not “chopped halfway stubble shaving hair”, it’s meant to hurt less again. I’ll let you know about that later too.
- Someone on the internet said don’t apply moisturiser after because it will sting. They were right.
- Don’t decide that since you’re in pain anyway you should see what it would be like to give yourself a Brazilian with an epilator.
- Brazilians with an epilator hurt more than anything you’ve ever felt in your life, including the feeling of a baby breastfeeding in the wrong position and you feel like your nipple is about to be separated from your body. A brazilian with an epilator is worse than that. WORSE.
- If you decide to give yourself a Brazilian with the epilator definitely follow the rule about showering first if there’s any chance it will hurt less. Maybe also drink a ton of wine. And before you think you could do an injury, this chick sucked in her labia with the epilator and survived to tell the tale, so I’m thinking the risk is maybe a bit lower (also, that link is a pretty good read so I recommend you take a look).
- If you get all cocky talking to a friend about how you successfully used an epilator and it was fine, don’t then go and try doing your armpit hair just because you’re in love with the idea of not shaving there for 3 weeks either. It’s between a Brazilian and the nipple injury. It was a bite-my-lip-and-get-through-it-25-out-of-10 pain.
Oh but hey, I do strongly recommend getting an epilator. Despite everything above, I’m pretty stoked with smooth legs and being a lazy ass.