8 times I wish I could punch myself

There’s a difference between regretting something, and just acknowledging you’re an idiot. I don’t have many regrets (none that spring to mind right now anyway). Yet there are times that I can admit I said/did things that were pretty dumb. Really dumb.

Let’s get real. I needed future me to come and give me a big slap in the face.

Ohhhhh how I had no idea.

1- When I complained about how “fat” I was in early pregnancy

I have this one on my blog even. It’s documented there for everyone to see! At the time everyone kept saying “just you wait”, but I was too caught up in my emotion at the time. It was just bloating you idiot-from-the-past! Now, I’m genuinely stuck with fatty back bums and fluid filled nether regions. My back looks like I have gills. My butt has its own post code, and could actually be a sufficient spot to store away another two babies. When I was complaining, I still fit my jeans back then! What an unappreciative idiot.

2- When I complained about bad sleep

6 hours being “bad”? Oh, but I got to sleep soundly and without waking with butt/leg cramps or a need to pee/eat before the universe collapses in on itself? Now my nights are filled with either needing to puke from heart burn, pee breaks or just being uncomfortable as heck.

I still don’t even appreciate how bad it’s going to get. Even just writing this I’m looking around waiting for future me to appear. I guess they still haven’t invented time travel. Maybe future me is too sleep deprived to care.

3- Getting upset about not running fast enough

I can’t run at all right now. So to the version of me from back then, harden up princess! You’re out there smashing it, no matter how fast or slow you’re running! Appreciate you have two legs and a heart beat that means you can move! What I would give to go for a solid 10km run right now. I had it so good.

4- When I thought pregnant women were lazy

I’m going to hang my head low for this one, and feel the angry mob coming together. I admit I actually thought this. The other night I did the ironing, and it was maybe ten pieces of clothing? I was dreading standing up after the second! My feet were swollen, and I know my posture was disgusting.

In the third trimester I’m just hating standing up. The first trimester was a different kind of fatigue – the one where I just couldn’t move. Everything hurt. But at least if I wanted to roll up into a ball I could. Now, I can’t sit down without fearing having to get up, and the effort that involves. Every single operation of every single day revolves around how hard it will be to move, and can I get around my gut (or, you know, baby). Standing right now makes me wonder if the baby is going to fall out (it would make for an easy labour though).

5- When I voted for Clive Palmer in the government

This one is going to make other people want to hit me too. At the time, we had Labour and Liberal politicians that were annoying. They had done bugger all. In my wisdom (read: idiocy) I thought that I would vote for Clive for the following reasons:

  • I didn’t actually think he would get in
  • I thought if he did, he would shake up it up

Well, I was both wrong and right. Wrong in the fact that he got in. Perhaps there was more of us on the Sunshine Coast that stupidly thought that by voting for him, it meant we weren’t “wasting” our votes, but no one else would be stupid enough to do the same and so he wouldn’t get in. Except he did. Oops.

Shake up the government he did. He was a fool. So many things were screwy, and slightly unrelated to his politics, he purchased a local golf club/resort and ran it into the ground. It’s fair to say that he is not popular on the Sunshine Coast.

Yeah, this one deserves a few repeated slaps. I still haven’t forgiven myself.

6 – My stance on modern history as a high school subject

Want to know why this one is stupid? Here was my catch phrase:

Why would anyone want to study history? It’s already happened – move on!

Kelly of the past, you’re an idiot. Such a freaking idiot. You’re on your high horse thinking you’re all clever and s**t. But you’re an idiot. Compared to life now, high school was easy. Shut up, pay attention and learn a thing or two.

Enough said.

7- When I complained about having small boobs

In this pregnancy I’ve gone from anA/B cup to DD, and that’s before my milk has come in. By boob standards I’m still not large, not even close. But I get it now:

  • Taking my bra off at the end of the day is amazing
  • I have hungry boobs that like that to eat my shirt and store it underneath them
  • My boobs now rest on my belly depending on how I’m sitting
  • I can’t jump around without it hurting or feeling extremely uncomfortable
  • The slightest breeze and NIPPLES ON DISPLAY

Back in the day I would have been able to get away with running without a bra if I wanted (I didn’t). I didn’t have to worry about boob sweat. I didn’t have to wonder if my shirt was riding up because of my pregnant belly or my boobs. Life was so much more simple then. I wonder if I’m going to have saggy pancakes when this is over.

8- Every single time in this third trimester I’ve over-eaten

I got a tip from a friend that in the third trimester I should have two dinners: one early, and one late. I still haven’t put it into action. Instead, I eat too much and then spend the night waiting to see if I’m going to get heart burn. In the worst cases, I’ve sprung out of bed ready to throw up. Friday night I actually did, just after midnight. Future me wants to go back even a couple of nights ago and give myself a slap. My friend will tell me “I told you so”. She’s been waiting for me to publish this list exactly for that reason. I’ve got 4 weeks left to nail it, let’s see if I can learn.

Is there anything you’ve ever said in the past that you look back on now and shake your head?

  • Suzie Dilon

    Frequently suffer from “foot in mouth” disease. Don’t stress it, we all do it. It’s called being human.

    You are feeling like we all do in the last month- “I JUST WANT MY BODY BACK! Also I envy that skinny girl in her normal jeans, I want to lie on my tummy, I want to eat what I want, I want to not be tired and grumpy. Etc. etc.

    If you want to meet for a cuppa and just vent your frustration just give me a call. Hang in there- he’s worth it.

    P.S. that Clive Palmer thing? I picked up that vibe going around and told all around me that there were enough idiots saying the same thing, and he’ll get in. No one believed me at the time. They all just wanted that protest vote, so you were not alone.

  • Frequently suffer from “foot in mouth” disease. Don’t stress it, we all do it. It’s called being human.

    You are feeling like we all do in the last month- “I JUST WANT MY BODY BACK! Also I envy that skinny girl in her normal jeans, I want to lie on my tummy, I want to eat what I want, I want to not be tired and grumpy. Etc. etc.

    If you want to meet for a cuppa and just vent your frustration just give me a call. Hang in there- he’s worth it.

    P.S. that Clive Palmer thing? I picked up that vibe going around and told all around me that there were enough idiots saying the same thing, and he’ll get in. No one believed me at the time. They all just wanted that protest vote, so you were not alone.

    • So it wasn’t only me? Phew! Doesn’t excuse me though, and I’ve taken all votes since a lot more seriously!!

      And thank you, will try and take up the offer of a cuppa in a fortnight. Still working from home each day for the next 2 weeks with tons planned, so just have to get through that first.