So it brought me to Nickleback, I shall hang my head in shame

Regular readers to my blog would know that I split with my ex, C, about a month ago. We had been having problems and arguing for quite a while, to the point that I moved out. We were going to try doing the whole “space” thing, it failed, we ended it for good.

Since then I've done the whole rebuilding thing. I live in a house with an amazing housemate, her kids (they're only there 4 days out of 7), and our two dogs. I have a place where I can come home to pure silence, where I can de-stress and recuperate before the stresses of the following day. It's fair to say I couldn't be any more thrilled with where I live. [...]  read more

So very lost

I'm finding it really tough to read about other couples. I know that what C and I had wasn't healthy, but I loved him so deeply. I had thought about the future and planned it with him.

I saw it and I wanted it.

I think that's why now it's so tough. I feel a lot of self loathing. I wonder how I could have changed it, why it wasn't successful. Logically, I know it wasn't all me but that doesn't stop me from feeling the failure. When I first split with him my friend said to me “you haven't failed”, and I wondered what she meant back then. I hadn't felt like a failure. Now I get it, now I feel that sense of failure. [...]  read more

Questions I’m asking myself

I wrote this at midnight last night to get thoughts out of my head with no intention of posting it. But it seems like now it's more relevant than ever, would love for advice or theories. Please. I'm desperate.

What is my purpose in life?

Why am I employed where I am? Is that where I see my future career?

What are my goals for this year? For five years? For 10?

Why do I find relationships difficult yet they last substantial amounts of time? Am I just persistent? Stubborn? Ignorant? Naive?

Because my relationship is difficult, does that mean it's not worth it? [...]  read more

So it’s not a break up…it’s a break

My, my….how confusing relationships can be.

The last two nights C and I have had some pretty deep conversations with each other. It's so clear just how much we both love and adore each other, and here we are.

I have to admit, writing how much he loves me is incredibly tough. I have such a high level of insecurity that despite him telling me not only a few hours ago just how much he is in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, I still think “yeah but what if”. Honestly, what does the boy have to do to prove it to me? No wonder he gets frustrated.  [...]  read more

Addition to resume: relationship blogger?

When I first started my new blog I didn't think it would become all about my relationship with C. Sure, I knew he would feature on here from time to time, since he was my boyfriend, but I didn't ever imagine to this scale.

He knows I write on here about him, heck he has read the two blog posts about the break up and the 24 hours following. That shocked me, but I have no regrets as I write from the heart and its the raw kelsbells out there for everyone to see (the same person he fell in love with). We talked about the posts, and he said it was interesting to read, and when I asked if I had been unfair or inaccurate he said no (to clarify, he doesn't necessarily agree that alcohol has a higher priority in his life than me though).  [...]  read more