When will the pain to go away?

I'm so weak right now.

If he called I would go running.

I hate myself for it.

It hurts so much, the pain is incredible. Everything reminds me of him. I feel like I have no stories that aren't about him, or involve him in some way.

I just want to feel his arms around me, the warm protective embrace he had. Even if we had argued I always felt so safe there. My safe place, my haven.

Every day I walk out of the office I see work vehicles that remind me of him. I go to a football game, it's his team. I try to have fun but my mind returns to him. I scan the crowd, hoping to glimpse a sight of him, not knowing if he is actually there or not.  [...]  read more

Just another stupid love song

This song sums up how I have been feeling in the last day or so. To update you, C and I had an argument which ended the relationship for good. I will probably spend time writing my feelings down in the next few days while I let it sink in, but for now this song is capturing my mood pretty damn well.


Its one thing to ask why we break up. Have you ever wondered why it is we fall in love? Can you tell me? Do you know what it is you're looking for? What do we need? Can you tell me why I care? How is it that we hear that voice that says i want you there? [...]  read more

Questions I’m asking myself

I wrote this at midnight last night to get thoughts out of my head with no intention of posting it. But it seems like now it's more relevant than ever, would love for advice or theories. Please. I'm desperate.

What is my purpose in life?

Why am I employed where I am? Is that where I see my future career?

What are my goals for this year? For five years? For 10?

Why do I find relationships difficult yet they last substantial amounts of time? Am I just persistent? Stubborn? Ignorant? Naive?

Because my relationship is difficult, does that mean it's not worth it? [...]  read more

So it’s not a break up…it’s a break

My, my….how confusing relationships can be.

The last two nights C and I have had some pretty deep conversations with each other. It's so clear just how much we both love and adore each other, and here we are.

I have to admit, writing how much he loves me is incredibly tough. I have such a high level of insecurity that despite him telling me not only a few hours ago just how much he is in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, I still think “yeah but what if”. Honestly, what does the boy have to do to prove it to me? No wonder he gets frustrated.  [...]  read more

Addition to resume: relationship blogger?

When I first started my new blog I didn't think it would become all about my relationship with C. Sure, I knew he would feature on here from time to time, since he was my boyfriend, but I didn't ever imagine to this scale.

He knows I write on here about him, heck he has read the two blog posts about the break up and the 24 hours following. That shocked me, but I have no regrets as I write from the heart and its the raw kelsbells out there for everyone to see (the same person he fell in love with). We talked about the posts, and he said it was interesting to read, and when I asked if I had been unfair or inaccurate he said no (to clarify, he doesn't necessarily agree that alcohol has a higher priority in his life than me though).  [...]  read more